I was driving today and remembered a saying…. I don’t recall it verbatim. But the point of it was to remember that you are living a life you at one time hoped for, prayed for, begged for.
I am living mine right now. In so many ways. What did I want that I have now? A better work/life balance. Slow mornings. A shorter work day. Home early enough to still have a life in the evenings. Time for the gym in the morning. A job that focuses on helping people have a better day. A job that is driven by improving life for others. I forget to stop and remember sometimes that I am living in the moments I wished for.
Previously, I was also living out something I hoped for, but it wore out its welcome and I outgrew it. Once that happened, I became bitter and stressed and tired, and that ended up sucking the life out of me. What was once something good for me had turned sour. I held on to it though because in so many ways it was still good – just not in life giving ways. Sure it paid well. Sure it had great benefits. But it was slowly killing my soul. And honestly, I’m pretty sure it was slowly destroying my body too. I have been out of that for nearly a month now and I feel so much better physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I hope to remember every day that I am living in something I’ve been hoping for. I need to reframe my thinking. My therapist today said to be sure I’m speaking out loud the things that I WANT, rather than the things I don’t want. I very easily identify what I don’t want. Its harder for me to identify what I DO want and to say them out loud. Acknowledging those things feels….. I don’t know. Like I’m asking for more than I deserve because I already have so much. I’ve never been good about voicing that and claiming it. I’m great about THINKING it. But if I say it out loud and it doesn’t happen, then what? That’s a disappointment I don’t want to think about. If I’m being honest, it’s also an embarrassment I don’t want to face. A failed endeavor. But that’s no way to live and it’s not the advice I would give to someone I loved. I would tell someone I loved to go for it, and if they don’t get it, so what….they probably got a lot more in the process than they ever thought they would. You never walk away from a pursuit of anything empty handed, even if all you walk away with are life lessons. No one can take those from you.
Life lessons I’m carrying with me from my previous situation into this one are:
Never let anyone overhear you talking about them professionally (or otherwise). There is a certain amount of “behind closed doors” conversations that need to happen in a workplace environment. I never want anyone to accidentally overhear those. I want to make sure that I’m honest with everyone I encounter. As honest as I can be. I want to be intentional about getting to know people and making sure they feel they can trust me. On a personal note for myself, I need to be better about my own money management. I did not take advantage of that great paying job in the ways I should have. I did in a lot of ways, but not in ways that set me up for a better financial future. I regret that PAINFULLY. Going forward, I hope to be better about that. Now that I have the time I was previously wishing for, I hope to use it more wisely. Don’t sleep the mornings away. Get up. Do something. Get back to the gym. But not until February because right now it’s full of “new year new me” people and they always fizzle out after a month. Do some chores. Make myself some breakfast. Let my dogs play. In the evening, be done with everything necessary by 730/8. Write a bit – like I’m doing now. Watch an episode of a show and relax guilt free. Make the most of the time without my kids here, and when they are here, I will have enough energy to focus on them when they decide they want to talk to me. (Teens, amiright?!) Be in bed with lights out by 10 – NO MATTER WHAT.
No longer do I feel like I’m living in survival mode. I get to live in life mode now. Be fully present. Fully aware. Fully grateful. I’ve been listening to a few Andy Grammer songs on repeat lately.
My morning song of choice right now…. Good To Be Me.
“That’s when I stop
Tryin’ to be the things that I’m not
Tryin’ to be like everyone else
Tryin’ to fit inside of that box
Oh, you got magic inside of your heart
Had it right from the start…….
……damn it feels good to be me!”
Right now, it feels good to be me, and I hope I don’t lose that. I’ve let myself lose that time and time again the last few years. I get complacent. I get angry. I get bored. I get sorry for myself. I don’t want to do that anymore. I recognize it, and I want to stop. My day, and my life, feels so much better when I focus on others rather than focusing on me and changing myself to fit inside a box. Let me love. Let me live. Let me make someone’s day better, somehow, somewhere. I want to see the trickle down of that. I want to see the ripples created by sharing love and positivity. That’s what makes me the most me.
And right now, I’m living in that. I don’t want to forget it.